Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think I won the penis lottery.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
