I hate all girls vehemently.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
