My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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