Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
