Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
