My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
as a side note pls kill me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize