so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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