He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
