And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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