I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
