Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Mom said you looked used
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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