We got so high we made milksteak
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize