"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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