I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
