Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
