Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
