I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
