my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
