Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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