I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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