It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
