Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
