Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize