My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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