Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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