so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
