i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize