I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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