new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
