i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
