i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
