thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
