TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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