if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
