I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
