I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
