you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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