At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
