I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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