the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
