Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
