I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
whose parrot is this?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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