Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
