I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i now understand why vodka
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
