Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
