I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
