I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
