My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
