If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
