Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
