so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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