Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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