Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
