I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
